Well this is adorable

i really dislike what caffeine does to me. it makes me uncontrollably fast, and not really in an energetic way, just a rushed way. i also dislike the sensation physically. there's just something deeply off about being on caffeine for me. i get a visceral "this is not right" feeling, not like dread but sort of in that direction, and it takes hours to fade.

i guess it's because i feel the need to control myself all the time to feel safe, and caffeine takes away some self-control and makes me more impulsive. thus i associate caffeine with a vague badness, and hence the dread-like feeling.

or maybe it's my heart telling me it's a bad idea. i did have a heart valve repair as a newborn baby and maybe i should check it out again.

What actually does to me

Accurate