Am I a bad person? tw: sewer slide
17h 56m ago by lemmy.world/u/dingus in mentalhealth
I have been going through very intense workplace stress this year. Fuck up workplace relationships, threatened to fire me for having mental breakdown at work, yadda yadda yadda.
I have been in therapy, practicing DBT skills most days on the bus ride to work (other than TIPP bc idk how to do that on the bus), and taking medications.
I had a really bad spiral the past few days. I ended up inconsolable when I got home the other night (I live alone so no one heard me). I started trying to text/communicate with a billion different people, some of which we're my coworkers. I started texting them something akin to saying they will have a great time in the future and I appreciate them and goodbyes and whatnot. I said it because I was contemplating/really really just wanted to no call no show never come back into work (I work a professional job, not at like a Wendy's where it's expected).
I knew in the back of my mind that they could also view this as me saying goodbye before killing myself. I never ever said that outright but they panicked when I spoke vaguely and discussed with each other whether or not to Baker act me the next morning.
I have done this another time around the summer of last year. I feel embarrassed. I feel terrible. I feel like such a shitty person. But I was just in so much pain that I didn't know what to do. I was sobbing nonstop for hours and hours when I decided to do that.
I know I am supposed to use my skills. It is hard to do when I am on that level. It's hard for me to practice TIPP because it requires setup and is unpleasant and not accessible everywhere.
Am I a bad person? What do I do? They distance themselves from me because I am like this. And I knew it my heart it could be construed that way even though I was one of the most distressed I have gotten.
But I just don't know what to do with the pain. The DBT skills can help temporarily with intense concentration from me, but the moment my attention wavers from the distraction/distress techniques, the pain comes back. It's exhausting to focus that hard and I can't do it 24/7.
I am just so tired. It almost feels like physical pain all the time. And I always just feel so alone.
Thanks, guys.
You're not a bad person.
Is it embarrassing? Sure. So are farts.
Sounds like your work homies had your back, were concerned, and generally acted the right way.
It does sound like it's possible your meds aren't working out for you, though. This story is worth talking to your therapist or dbt group about. Do NOT take it from me; talk to a doctor.
Does your boss know you're in therapy? This incident is worth explaining to them that you're aware you're struggling and you are actively working on it. Apologize for causing a bit of stir and thank them for being prepared to act. Assure them you're working on it, actively.
To reiterate, you're not a bad person. You're gonna beat yourself up over this for a bit. That's shame/embarrassment. It's all good. We all feel that from time to time when we do things that are less socially accepted. It is normal. Your feelings are normal.
Yeah I will def tell my therapist when I see her next and my provider was in the process of starting me on a new SSRI but I am not at the minimum therapeutic dose yet. I see her in a few days. I don't have a DBT group but someone did suggest that to me. I wasn't interested but maybe I'll have to investigate further.
Yeah basically everyone at work knows I'm in therapy at this point.
Doesn't it make me bad that I hurt them though? That I said those things and didn't really mean it though? That I have made them concerned about me before?
Also, are you able to call suicide hotlines if you are not actively suicidal? Occasionally I have been at the level I was a couple nights ago with extreme extreme distress (usually it's just high distress), but since I've never been to the point of like almost dying, I never called it. I don't want to tie up the line and idk if they'd just hang up quickly anyway if I said I wasn't gonna kill myself. I have also just found out about "warm lines", but idk if it's too intense for that too lol it's like an intermediate issue. And a lot don't seem to be open in the middle of the night.
Idk thanks for listening.
Yeah bro that's what those lines are for. There's no intangible threshold of how suicidal you must be to reach out for help. Really the sooner the better.
Does it become unethical if the reality is you're lonely and not suicidal so you're calling to chat? ...yeah but no. Not if that loneliness is keeping you off a ledge. That what it's there for Holmes.
And again no you're not a bad person. You didn't hurt them. They were concerned. And rightly so. You were having some kind of manic seeming episode. That's not a stable place to be.
You're good. Stop beating yourself up. You got this.
Thank you, man.
No problem, dingus.
You're never a bad person for reaching out to people. Does your job have mental health support?
Well I reached out in a very harmful and manipulative way is the thing. Only a few EAP sessions are covered by my job. My insurance is shit so I pay the full price of therapy as if I had no insurance because it's not covered. But I have still been in therapy anyway because I know it's necessary and I am paid well enough to afford it.
Occasionally I feel like I need to talk to someone in the middle of the night, but that's not really a thing. Suicide hotlines are for suicidal people. I was in extreme distress but not suicidal. I've never called one before. I have heard of warm lines like just recently after that event. Usually I am not to that level of extreme as the other day though, just high distress not extreme extreme distress lol. But idk that any of these are suitable idk what to do man.