Your name better be Caleb
2d 6h ago by lemmy.world/u/ickplant in lemmyshitpost
Going to be honest, with that many records and such a short primary key, she's running the risk of duplicate key issues.
Coding data in emojis is also a terrible practice. This dataset just screams "amateur."
Wait, this wasnt the reason utf8 support was added to most databases?
FY2025,-10000,😤😔💸
That reminded me of a time our data warehouse broke when we had a person named Katherine apply for a job. In the Workday form entry she put a 😸 emoji.
I think I like Katherine 😂
For her sake, I hope she applied for QA.
This looks like a baby names list and it looks like her baby will be named Caleb. Lol
Its even in alphabetical order.
Yeah she just wanted to rate the name matt twice
It looks like it was copy pasted up top. Underneath it, it shows Nathan 7/10.
A name so nice, she hit it twice
6/10 both times though. About 6 7 🤷♀️
There's already a duplicate
On a long enough timeline, every list becomes a linked list
Easy, when two guys have the same first name, just enjoy them both the same amount. Give good/bad advice to make up the delta.
damn, ok ☹️
Congrats for the ok weinering.
It's okay Quinn, I'd give you a second shot :)
Hey, remember, 5/10 isn't bad, it's average!
No the average is much much higher than 10 out of 10 all because of Caleb.
She rates dudes like I rate beer.
What's your Caleb?
It can only be Guinness.
That's fair.
Some of my other faves: 1698 (Shepherd Neame), King Goblin Imperial Ruby (Carlsberg), Old Peculiar (Theakston).
What’s your opinion on Coors Banquet?
Never had it, they don't sell it where I'm from.
What about PB’s?
Whats that? EDIT: Should clarify I'm not from the states.
What about Dihydrogen Monoxide?
Not a fan, personally. I prefer to inject Monster Pacific Punch directly into my veins.
/s
EDIT: why drink water when you can drink straight vodka anyway. It looks the same, so why not carry that around in water bottles instead. I've done it.
MY MAN
Alcohol Free Kozel
My bestie's name is Caleb and, at least before he was married, he did pull a lotta tail.
Damn Caleb, what's your secret? Teach us your techniques!
As everyone has pointed out Caleb likely doesn't have a big dick he just knows how to slowly build his erotic sensuality and authentic enthusiasm with proper cunnilingus.
Men overwhelmingly think women care about dick size, muscles, and cars than they actually do. That's the secret to happiness homies. All that stuff does is get your attention from other men.
LESS GYM
EAT BOOTY LIKE GROCERIES
So what, you go up to girls and tell them you eat ass?
It's a start. Not all will respond but the ones that do are worth it lolol
You're making the exact same point I'm making further in the replies to this post. I'm blessed size wise, but I'm the cunnilingus master.
You know what I like about you? Your humility.
"Hi, I'm a potato seller. My customers rate me and my potatoes 5/5 but out of humility I promote them as mediocre and partly rotten."
I'm good at one thing in my life, why should I downplay it.
🍆
Not entirely true. Size does matter, but also technique. My size is above the national average (Dutch) but the best (overwhelmingly positive) reviews I've got was for my cunnilingus techniques. A big dick is easier to pleasure with, but technique can reach a far higher level than just size can ever reach.
In the post the rating for Caleb is the only one (visible) exceeding 10, overwhelmingly, so Caleb did more than just having a big dick.
Bro act like he has a metacritic or Steam score for his dick game “overwhelmingly positive” 😆
95% fresh 🍆
for his dick game
You don't know what cunnilingus is?
My previous (poly) partner, someone who has had many partners before me, told me I was the best by far doing cunnilingus and should teach others because her double orgasm (she never had a double one before me, meaning both g-spot and clittoral orgasm at the same time), was far better than the best orgasm she ever had before me.
My partners before her had similar feedback for my skills. So I would indeed call that overwhelmingly positive, especially since I've never had any bad reviews.
The last 4 relationships I broke off because my partners didn't respect my boundaries. One was stalking me so I banned her and the other 3 want me back because "they now realize what they are missing and are willing to try to be better". Which is what I've heard too many times, so I said no.
I was just making a joke. It was not that serious 😅
I, on the other hand, take my dick game VERY serious /jk
But yeah, I thought the Steam 'overwhelmingly positive' naming fitting in this situation. And you caught me red handed.
Sorry for you guy :(
Yeah well it's better to have no relationship than a toxic one.
How's your butt game?
Not my cup of tea
You can just pour it right in!
What are you talking about? I meant Caleb's eggplant parm recipe.
Weirdo.
xD You got me.
Well now that I know you have a big cock too, wanna hang out?
Sure I'm into huge nerds
I also encourage all men, but especially those who aren't particularly well-endowed, to perfect your oral sex game.
You'll never be able to compete with the size they've seen in porn, but porn mostly skips over cunnilingus, so if you can do that well, you can give her something those porn stars can't.
From my experience, authentic enthusiasm is the key. Women are always worried about what's going on down there, so when a man dives in with enthusiasm and vigor, they realize they can just relax and enjoy the ride. After that, she'll be putty in your hands, boys.
I totally agree. Plus, I've seen porn stars do cunnilingus, which was clearly something they have zero knowledge of on how to do it, or even find the clitoris.
Never use porn as a tutorial, it's not how you should do it. The focus in porn is camera angles, not pleasuring your partner.
Instead, there are tutorials with very helpful tips. Like Nina Hartley, she has very nice instruction videos.
How do you practice getting better? My girl tells me she likes what I do, but I know I'm just fumbling around since we're both inexperienced and I'm pretty sure she's both being nice and embarrassed to talk about how I could improve. Anytime I've asked she just says I'm doing perfect which my porn addicted ass knows ain't true.
Cunnilingus is something they NEVER get right in porn.
Don't go directly to the target (clit) immediately. Sneak up on it with light kisses and licks, on her tummy, inner thighs, etc., always getting closer. TAKE YOUR TIME. However slow you are going, go even slower, stretch it out, make the anticipation agonizing. Explore everything else before you finally nail the target.
Develop a few different techniques to apply to her clit, licking, sucking, pressure, soft, hard, slow, fast, responding to her reactions. Quick licks, followed by a few seconds of sucking, then a release, and more licking, is highly effective. Encourage her to tell you what's working for her.
Use your fingers, but they are mostly supporting players. Learn how to find the G-spot, and concentrate your digital efforts there, while your tongue cycles through your clitty repertoire.
You may find that she's holding back, waiting for the main event to come, but encourage her to come before you move on to anything anything else. In fact, don't even let her do ANYTHING to you until you've made her come with your mouth. As she gets into it, she may stiffen up, and get quiet, but that's great, she's just concentrating on getting there. DON'T change anything, just keep doing what you're doing, and she will explode.
After that, it's your turn, and YOU will be richly rewarded.
Look at this differently: your goal isn't to give good head, it's to make your partner feel good. The Caleb's of the world aren't just "fucking perfectly", they're providing their partner with what makes them feel best. Your most important skill in this regard is to listen. You need to hear and feel what your partner is telling you, and adapt. At the end of the day all you're doing is applying pressure, moisture/warmth, basic movements (there's nothing too crazy you can do), and enthusiasm. You have to sooth and excite them mentally as much as physically, and these are the physical levers you have to play with.
If your partner is telling you that what you're doing is great, then you're hitting the physical areas fine most likely. You need to make sure you're doing everything else too: they need to build to climax through appropriate foreplay (which could mean anything) and carried through that.
Understand what your partner wants, and you will be a god
It’ll come with time, just make sure you’re selfless about it, communicate and keep practicing.
There's a book for that https://newbookrecommendation.com/she-comes-first-a-comprehensive-guide-to-pleasuring-women/
(sighs in Zemnian) Nein.
"The smiley face is when I go down on the guy.
The smiley face with lashes is when the guy goes down on me.
The circle is for when we have sex.
The circle with the X is for when I have an orgasm.
The house is when we do it inside
and the grass is for outside..."
So what's the 💾 mean?
🤣🤣
The 3½" floppy disc icon means he has the most important thing, the thing women crave, the thing that drives all women crazy with lust: a vast and meticulously organised collection of fully working computers and consumer electronics from the 80s and 90s.
Obviously, that one's a keeper. 😉
What, like in the back of a Volkswagen?
It's unreasonable to expect everyone to be a Caleb but if you're a Sam you need to start doing research and practicing.
I bet you so much money that Sam is cute enough that he does not have to worry about that.
All hail Sam for participation award.
My original thought was baby names not dudes she's fucked 🤷
Two Matts on there. This is definitely about fucking.
Two Matt's with the same score. Damn.
And the same emoji, and the score under Matt 1 matches Nathan, who is under Matt 2. And the emoji too. Almost looks like the phone was elongated, which would explain the weird artifacting too.
Possible Eskimo brothers
You've never seen the lists then, this is pretty much how they tend to look
Don't ever change 🥹
you can tell it's not dudes she fucked because the scores are so high
I want to know what all the emojis mean. Clearly each has a meaning, and some have a few, indicating she has intimate knowledge of something.
Go, Caleb, you dog!
For example, Oliver has magic hands
Caleb is probably a wish that isn't even going to happen with those numbers; better be more concerned about Ryan.
Jack as well
Jack's a keeper, clearly, but Ryan got the party popper, also. Something is going on there.
Can I have calebs phone number?! For a friend
It's an eco-friendly alternative to a punch card customer loyalty program.
You can put any name you want to on a dating profile.
I’m gonna use the name “three.”
Wanna know why they call me three? 😏
Because you play bass for Sleep Token?
The number of tacos you scarfed in the parking lot?
Nah, if that were the case I'd be Twelve.
At least Ryan can get her off.
Yeah, but he's no Caleb.
Dam im only a 6?
Best case : Oliver
Worse case : Sam.
What about Caleb?
it's implied she's cheating, at least be the loved boyfriend instead of the best cheating partner. IDFK, it's a meme.
I probably left out "if not caleb"
How do you know Oliver is the boyfriend? Is that what the magic emoji means?
She likes Jack and Ryan, wonder why.... :)
Its so obvious from Hollywood programming. The good guys are usually named something like that. And the show Jack Ryan.
I'm smudged and illegible, probably because I'm disgusted that people can be like this.
Thia makes me feel sick just looking at it 🫣
why?
Something about the Caleb entry when weighed up against everything else. If he's that amazing, just stay with him! Guy taking the photo is cooked.
Then again, the whole thing is presumably fake, for the meme.
sometimes people can be a great sexual partner, but poor relationship material, maybe it's something like that?
This might just be because of American Gothic, but Caleb is 100% an Antichrist name.
8/10 for Oliver is just outrageous, unless you're an 87-year-old woman.
Oliver Clothesoff