I'm struggling. I'm so tired mentally, all the time. Two spinal injuries, apparent/supposed depression (some acronym I forgot), GAD, OCD (seemingly contamination ig), PTSD/Trauma, ADHD/ADD/ASD. I often don't know what to say when I'm in the situation of trying to express my experiences or needs, which hinders my counseling appointments and anything else requiring that. I wrote some notes intended for a counselor, who I won't be seeing anymore because I'm changing to one more familiar with OCD. I hope this new person can help, as my stress and behaviors are bad. Though, I'm worried about the ADHD/ASD related difficulties I may be experiencing, and without appropriate executive function I don't keep up with anything. In my last appointment with my former counselor I mentioned feeling as though I needed some caregiver or ig aide as I feel wholly incapable of organizing my life and getting out of this situation. I'm sorry for any lack of coherence. I have a headache probably from lack of food and water today. I don't know what to say anymore. Sorry.

I feel like I need assistance exploring my past, treating my traumas as well as active help to discover harms to myself which I may have forgotten so I can mediate whatever present reactions I may be having in relation to those.

I'm struggling to live. I know I have this blanketing pressure to somehow create a "valuable" and "productive" daily life, and that pressure to achieve something which seems to continue to move farther out of reach is hurting me a little. Without that pressure, I wasn't necessarily better, I simply had less obligations and less oversight; but I do also want connection and community and love, which I suppose brings the potential for obligation and oversight. I want someone, people, to care about me, to care I exist, to feel like outside of the lack of reason in 'not being here anymore' there is some goodness to be being around. Currently I am undeniably a burden, and simply biding time in the hope that changes.

I feel, maybe like, with everything I've been through, everything I've not had available to me in the times I might have best benefited from them, everything I currently lack in tangible and health (mental and physical) resources, I'll just always be a slight 'pit' to those around me. Partly because those closest to be have never experienced these unmet needs and anything I do will likely always remain 'below' their means and I'll require their interventions regarding use of their resources while I can not do the same for them. Not ignoring the fact they'll likely never 'need' such assistance from me, but that I'll possibly remain a pothole in their life which can't be brought to level out.

Of course certain statements of what is valid and everyone has value and deserves joy and love make it seem as though remaining as such a vacuum shouldn't be taken into consideration during the process of determining my worth, whether the one deciding is myself or someone else. And yet, I'm overcome internally with sorrow and woe and an aching weeping. I don't want to survive and be strong. I want the hurting to stop. I feel empty and vacant, and my external world is filled with intermittent physical agony and social emptiness. My unmet needs are too much for any one, and I don't have the physical population of people nor the understanding or skills to organize healthy social networks.

I hoped things might have changed with inpatient treatment, but realistically nothing happening in this country would have indicated such a shift.

I've got about a month to find a place to live, which generally includes getting accepted into a job to pay for such a place. Then, considering pay and expenses realizing most of these jobs would put me in a barren financial situation with nothing left to cover medical appointments; physical or mental.

Everyone's pain is valid, and others having experienced or currently experiencing events which may be more dire than my own don't invalidate mine. At which point, in my mental reasoning, I become convinced I just want it to end. "How much should I put myself through?" If forcing painful experiences could be advised against for the reason that we shouldn't feel the need to suffer to engage with the world, I struggle to remove the same reasoning from simply not being around anymore.

I'm hurting, but hurting XXXX would be worse. But I don't know how to get out of this. I don't see a path forward. If I'd not met XXXX I'd have fled the country by now, hoping for a miracle of generosity somewhere. Getting a job and getting housed seem to carry with it the high possibility I'll not be able to pursue or continue physical or mental health treatment. Remaining unemployed and unhoused carries the weight of being a heavier burden to those around me.

In my inability to determine or see a hopeful image of my future where I'm not a weight in the lives of this around me, I'm left with the hurt and dread which convinces me to consider not being around to be best for them and myself.

Alexithymia

Delayed sleep phase disorder

Autistic inertia